


Lost in a Cruel World

by eruri_love_child



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: A tiny bit of fluff, Acceptance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Light Angst, M/M, One Shot, Sad, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 07:16:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19785904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eruri_love_child/pseuds/eruri_love_child
Summary: Levi makes it to the ocean, and Erwin does not. But what if he did? Inspired by the Lost Girls novel.





	Lost in a Cruel World

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily inspired by the Attack on Titan: Lost Girls novel. I highly recommend you read it, but it is not necessary to understand. Please review! I read your comments. All characters belong to Hajime Isayama. Enjoy ♡

The first thing he notices is the air. It’s light, and clear, and the freshest thing he has ever breathed in his life. It’s like when that first gust of wind hits his lungs after exiting the walls on an expedition, but he’s far, so much farther than that now. He’s so far he can’t even see the walls behind him. It feels like freedom.

Soon enough, they all go down the cliff with great caution, never taking their eyes off the horizon. Simple things, like the sunrise and full moon always fascinated him, as he never saw them as a child, so this... this was something else.

The water glittered, almost completely see through were it not for the white foam that unraveled with every wave. With every movement, there were about a million bubbles. It wasn’t anything like the murky little streams in the northern districts. The waves coming and going felt so inviting, as if he was a child, wanting to take off his boots and splash in the water with everybody else.

As he stood still, eyeing the others, that familiar emptiness washed over him. A certain feeling of dread that had been with him for a little less than a year now.

_What happens if that dream of yours comes true?_

_Well... I don’t know. And I won’t until it does_ , he hears, from no one in particular.

_I wish... Erwin was here..._

It was not a rare thought for the Captain, especially at times like these. He longed to see Erwin’s reassuring smile again, that special look he only ever showed to Levi. The special words that only Levi ever heard.

_I need to stop this_ , he tells himself. _Don’t think about anything anymore_.

~

When Levi awoke, it was still dark. It wasn’t an unusual thing for him, what with his insomnia and all, but he had hoped it was starting fade. He had managed to sleep through the night with Erwin’s help on two occasions, which was more than he ever expected. It wasn’t like him, but he allowed himself to feel a bit more optimistic, leading to his inevitable dissatisfaction. When he was sure he wasn’t going back to sleep, he rose from his chair and glanced over to the bed.

Erwin was sleeping soundly, his golden hair so messy, you’d never guess he tended to it so thoroughly every morning. He was lying on his stomach, his toned back exposed to the cold morning air. Levi let his eyes wander a bit, before stepping into their bathroom and splashing water onto his face.

Now that he was a bit more alive, he went over the day’s plan in the mirror. _Today’s mission—the 60th Survey Corps Extramural Expedition. We are to visit the place seen in Grisha Yeager’s memories, where Eldians were turned into titans._ His eyes narrowed. The bags under his eyes seemed to have lessened over the months, and there was a... glow to his skin? When did that get there? In any case, he shook his head and refocused. The Levi in the mirror spoke: _If we defeat all of the titans in and outside of the walls... will their deaths finally have meaning?_ He didn’t get to think _yes_ before he went on with his day, pushing these thoughts to the back of her mind.

Erwin was slow to wake up. That was fine. They didn’t have to be at breakfast until 7. It was 5:54. Levi changed into his uniform and began to clean their room. He made sure to get all the usual nooks and crannies, trying his best to be quiet. He did this until the soft light of morning shone through the windows, revealing the dust in the air. For some inexplicable reason, he didn’t feel bothered by it.

Finally, Erwin woke up. “It’s about time,” Levi said, taking off his gloves.

“Did you miss me that much?” Erwin gave a warm smile, his eyes shining. This delighted Levi.

“No. But we have to be down soon, unless you want to miss the expedition.” At this, Erwin laughed a bit, and approached him. His arms easily wrapped around Levi, pulling him close, until their lips gently met.

“I love you, you know,” Erwin said softly, a phrase he started to say more often now, every morning. It took a while for Levi to get used to it, and even more for him to reciprocate the words.

“I do too,” Levi savored the moment, taking a few seconds to stare into his lover’s eyes. “Now get your things,” he said, pulling back and struggling to bite back a smile. Erwin seemed to catch this but said nothing, changing into his uniform.

At breakfast, Erwin was recapping their journey. It was still a bit strange, seeing as there were only nine people in the room, but it was important nonetheless. Levi noticed Eren and Mikasa at a table. Mikasa wordlessly ate her food, and he couldn’t tell if she was listening or not. Eren was staring off into space with a hard, unpleasant look in his eyes. Across from them were Jean, Connie, and Sasha, the latter trying to nonchalantly steal Connie’s bread. Flock sat at the edge of their side, intently listening.

Levi couldn’t help but think Eren had taken a toll from the past year. And he couldn’t help but take responsibility after what took place at Shiganshina. The boy looked tired, pale, and as though he lost weight. Mikasa, too, for that manner, though at least she still spoke a bit.

Levi was shaken out of his thoughts when he heard a voice.

“You know, Levi.” It was Hange. “You seem different,” she said quietly.

“What?” “It’s not too noticeable, but—even now...you’re...” She never did get to finish her thought. Her glasses shined over, as she grinned, yet shook her head at him. Levi disregarded her words, deciding it wasn’t important. He continued listening to Erwin’s words.

“...Depending on how hot the desert along the way is, we’ll have to take a stop at the base we set up last expedition. We should reach our target by the afternoon. Now, we leave at 8, understand?”

There was an array of nods and a few yes, sir’s, as Erwin sat back down.

The pungent odor of manure and hay greeted Levi as he stepped out into the stables. Somewhere along the way, he had made it a habit to check on his horse before every expedition. The aroma of freshly cut grass hit him as he approached his mare, Midnight. Beside her, is Erwin’s new stallion, as his old one, Ivory, didn’t survive the battle of Wall Maria. This new one, Sun, seemed to like Levi as well.

Carefully, he groomed Midnight’s mane and flank. He worked the brush gently between the scabbed and healing furrows she’d gotten over the years. Slowly but surely, he got rid of the knots and tangles, before feeding her two apples he swiped from the kitchen.

“You’re tired, aren’t you, girl? I know we’ve been going on a-lot of missions lately. Erwin says we need to confirm the info in those books, but maybe he just likes the way it feels out there. Either way, I’m eager to know if this makes all those deaths out there justifiable.” This he meant to be asking Erwin, as he had been standing by the stables, and Levi had been aware of his presence. “Levi-“

“Save it. I wasn’t being fair to you. But I do want to know something.” Erwin seemed to be hiding some kind of guilty look on his face, though he was intent on listening.

“This... sea... that we’re aiming for... after we get to it, and we confirm that there aren’t any titans left, will you still be willing to go across it?” Levi appeared emotionless, though this question was like an itch he’d always wanted to scratch. It nagged him in the back of his head, though he dreaded Erwin’s answer.

“Levi...what are you saying?”

“I mean...if our number one threat is gone, and we’ve explored this entire island, there are people who’d say there’s no need for us anymore. That we could just stay within our island and try to live peaceful lives.”

Erwin’s beautiful blue eyes widened a bit in surprise before narrowing.

“Are you sure...you want to keep going forward, if you’ve already met your dream?”

At this, Erwin rushed forward, putting on a confident look.

“Levi. I’m the commander of the Survey Corps, and I’m responsible for this regiment, even if it a nine people organization. It’s my duty to lead forward, no matter the personal circumstances.”

“There’s always Hange.”

“Yes, Hange is a great talent, but the new recruits need me. You of all people should know that...”

“Right. Yeah. Just...making sure...”

In his mind, Levi was then forced to put away a future, a peaceful future with Erwin, for it would never happen. It was nothing more...than a false possibility. Levi’s uncertain look had Erwin coming even closer. He pulled him close, even closer than that morning.

“You’re not going to break my legs, are you?” He teased, feeling Levi’s soft breath on his face.

“Only if you make me, you bastard. Now fucking kiss me,” he said quickly, their lips roughly coming together. With more force than any of them expected, Erwin was shoved to the stable wall. They stayed like that, tangled in each other, barely taking time to breathe. By the time they were done, they were covered in a thin layer of dust, silent for a moment. It was time to go.

They rode through the grassy plains, going around the Titan forest, through the desert, again to the green fields. The clouds blocked parts of the sky, so beams of sunlight came through at random parts of the land. Though it was dry and hot, the farther they advanced, the fresher the air became, further and further away from those retched walls.

Finally, upon reaching their destination, both Erwin and Levi were at a loss for words. Atop the cliff, they overlooked the sea, in all of its glory. How the waves glistened so intensely, even with the white foam that created about a million bubbles, distorting the reflection in the water.

“That little brat was right,” Levi heard himself say once they were at the bottom. He finds himself looking at Eren and Mikasa once again, who seemed to be comforting each other. Eren looked so bitter, what seemed to be a single tear drop falling from his cheeks into the ocean. Another drop of water, what difference did it make, as it was already lost in the waves?

Sasha, Connie, and Jean were playing like little children, splashing each other mercilessly. Beside them, Hange’s interest was captured by every little thing.

“It’s a mesmerizing sight, isn’t it?” Erwin said, taking off his boots and socks, and placing them by the cliff. Levi was still, a bit shocked for a second that Erwin would join them. Erwin reaches for a particularly intricate shell, before Levi instinctively shouts.

“Watch out, Erwin. It could be poisonous, so don’t touch it!” Erwin chuckles, though he makes sure not to grab any unusual things.

“Ahaha...it’s so cold, Levi.” He said, looking back and giving a smile of a bout a million volts. Levi didn’t know what made him do it in that moment, but he smiled back in amazement. He looks just like a young boy, when he laughs like that. He recalls the old memory.

_So you are saying that I look quite young because I have the same eyes as a young new soldier?_

_I am not praising you!_

_I know._

But he will follow him.

The water is indeed cold, as it soaked through his boots despite Levi’s efforts to stay back from the waves. At that moment, the bright sky flashed bright for a moment. And as the afterimage of the burst of light faded away, Levi reflexively looked to the horizon, though there wasn’t anything there. Only birds and clouds.

What happens if that dream of yours comes true?

Well... I don’t know. And I won’t until it does, someone whispered to Levi.

The sun is still shining as bright as ever. Levi looks for a moment, before looking away as his vision strains. The breeze is ever strong, it blows Levi’s hair back, and sends shivers through his body.

_Time to go home_ , somebody said again. _Right_ , Levi thought. _It’s time to go home._

~

When Levi opens his eyes, it’s anything but dark. There’s a cold chill to the air, but it makes it feel fresher, so it’s not unwelcome. The sun is still high in the sky, never ceasing to shine.

_Right_ , Levi thinks. _This is reality._ Salt water falls into his eyes, it stings a bit. He blinks, and it gets a little better.

Erwin is gone. But then, he was never here in the first place, but Levi feels as though he was just with him.

He feel as if he has awoken from a very long dream. Yet he can’t remember what it was about. Try as he might, he can recall nothing except for a sense that it was a happy, and sad, dream.

But it’s not a dream, or an illusion, or a delusion. It’s not even some kind of parallel world existing alongside the one that Levi lives in. What he experienced is rather a nameless something. Perhaps his soul left her body and strayed into a place that subsist in a deprecate time and space. In any case, Levi finally understands.

No matter how much he tries to keep Erwin safe, he is going to die. And it isn’t because of fate or destiny. No, it’s because of something that Erwin has inside of him. Something leads Erwin to death, yet it cannot be removed from Erwin because it makes him who he is. Without it, Erwin would not be Erwin. Levi understands this, and when he does, he accepts Erwin’s death. He simply must.

He looks up at the sun one last time. It seems to be shining just for him.

He’s tired. He feels heavy bags under his eyes, which, when he looked in the mirror, seemed to be getting darker with the months. Hange said he looked pale, too, that he wasn’t eating enough. He shrugged it all off.

He looks at Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. They’re smiling, smiling so much. He doesn’t understand.

The water soaked through his boots once again. The ocean breeze hits his lungs. The air is fresh and new, like something was missing from it before.

“I love you,” he says to the wind, before taking off his boots and deciding to feel the water.


End file.
